smile, wave, and flip your hair! youre better than any "royal" heir!

i havent posted in so long. i dont even know where to begin.

my life had been going so well! i was happy, Ed was okay, i had/still have amazing friends, and then.. i got a boyfriend! he was the nicest and sweetest thing in the world. i was with him for 5 months, not that long, but it was my longest relationship, considering im only in high school. for so long, we had been best friends. he was my everything and i was his. he told me how he felt about so much in his life and he would sometimes (very seldom) cry to me about how upset he is that his aunt died or whatever else. he told me that he wanted to be with me for a year or so because thats "how much he cared for me." he said he would never hurt me.

it ended of course, and thats why im writing. we cheated on each other and im heartbroken. but listen to this entire story:

in February, he wanted to take a break because "his schoolwork was bad and he needed to raise this grades or he wouldnt get into college." apparently he was scared. he was so upset about how we had to do this break, he even cried. we had agreed that we wouldnt hook up with other people because it would hurt the other person. well, a few weeks later, i told him that there were other guys asking me to end things with him so we could hookup. i understand it scared him, (who knows if he was lying then, too) but it was still fishy that he wanted to get back together so quickly after i said that. we were on cloud nine for a few days after this. but then i felt like he was ignoring me and not wanting to be with me. he told me he couldnt see me that weekend cuz he was going to a party and decided to leave me at home. he didnt want me to go with him. a few friends told me that he was going to meet other girls and that upset me. so with a friend, i had another guy that i had a thing with in past come to my house and we just messed around a little bit. after he left, my friend and i went to a party and we met this REALLY sexy guy, who happens to be famous on tumblr and twitter...somehow? i dont know how. haha, but i hooked up with him in my car that night, too. so two guys in one night. and i had a "boyfriend."

my boyfriend is still making me feel unwanted and unloved. he ignores me for golf, his parties, his friends, his other ideas of fun, of which do not include me. we talked on that tuesday about everything and he told me that we would be better as friends. well of course i was devastated and i cried the whole night. then i got a call from a friend who told me he admitted that he cheated on me, TWICE, with two other girls while we were on our break. we had agreed not to do that! and also, excuse me, but didnt he need time for his school work? if he wants to be away from me "cuz of school stuff," he should not be with other girls. he should be busy doing work. then he found out about my evening on saturday and we just screamed at each other. he called me names (none of which included "fat"), but they were so mean i was crying on the phone with him and he knew how awful i felt that this happened.

he said that we would keep in touch, after we kind of "made up," but we didnt really makes things any better.

he hasnt called me since our fight.

its over, i was played, and now i have to deal with Ed. i dropped weight and so i have to gain more. guess how hard that is during this horrific breakup.

i feel like i lost a part of me and i dont know how to handle this feeling that he is with other girls now.

every fairytale has its curtain call, but i guess i didnt expect this one to take a bow so early.

oh god

I've been doing really well lately, but this week, i have been struggling. and I'm scared right now. help me. i can't do this anymore.

I HATE BOYS

wow, a few minutes ago i was so happy and then one thing went wrong when i was chatting with my ex-boyfriend, whom i adore, and now my day is shitty. what happened?! i was doing so well and now it got fucked up because i said something as a quote but it sounded like it was coming from me? no. hell no. I'm pissed now! no guys for me! i don't need them! i need my friends! they are the ones i love! i hate boys!

by the way i might be doing well with Ed. don't know yet, but I'm okay for the moment :)

xox

i need my man back...i guess.

I'm feeling up and down lately. i can't decide about much anymore. i went to a leadership conference this weekend and it was really fun, but i had to put myself out there a lot and i felt like an idiot because i fell a few times and one of the times i landed in a split. it was horrifying. i had to eat with these people, but i struggled. a lot. they knew i had Ed, and they were really encouraging. but i feel so fat and horrible. my friend was in the hospital for about 2 weeks recently and she just got out. I'm happy for her that she was discharged, but I'm feeling territorial about her going to the same treatment center as i did last year. i feel like i have to share Ed with her and i don't want to. its the worst feeling in the world.

wow. i just realized that Ed actually owns me.

I'm at school now and i am wearing a tight shirt. i feel like shit. i love my friends, all of them are amazing. i am so lucky to have them. they make me happy!

i don't know how to cope with having to "share" Ed with this girl. i need help and advice and i feel like i should go back to CCED to be told that we have very different Eds. they would make me feel better. they always did. even though i hated them. they were so mean and i felt like i was being attacked. but they did so much for me. i don't know if its all for the good, or for the bad. i want Ed back. i need him in my life and i need his guidance. I'm so scared right now. i don't know what to do.

#WhatElseIsNew?

hi! i haven't posted in so long. its been forever. ahh I'm struggling. i can't really find a lot of joy in things anymore, except for my best friend, we can call her jori. best thing in the world. i love that girl! haha! the whole eating issue, fuckin stupid. i feel like complete shit and now it doesn't seem to get better, because Sonja, the girl i ditched because she was too triggering, is in the hospital for dehydration. they weighed her and she's 88. i feel horrible. not for her, but for me. i never got that low. EVER. does that mean I'm fat? yes it does. oh my god i feel horrible. i am so fat and ugly and i can't find a guy that would wanna be with me with my fat ass and chubby face. i went into the Bebe store today and tried 4 things on, they all were too weird fitting. i felt fat in all of them. i had to walk out of the store with my dignity on the ground. i can't believe i had to say to the worker that they didn't fit. i am so embarrassed. they don't fit? haha, no shit sherlock, you're fat remember?

i wanted to be a dallas cowboy cheerleader for halloween this year. i have the costume and everything to go with it. its adorable. i love it. i have tried it on to make sure that it will be okay for this weekend, but after today, i don't think i will wear it. i am hideous and i wish i could be someone else.

there is a party tonight. my friend just called me to ask what the address is because he assumed that i was there. they all assume that i would go, but i had to say, no I'm not there. (I'm in bed right now.) i would never go to something where i feel like they could easily make fun of me. i don't wanna be an easy target. i just wanna be beautiful and happy. i saw a girl walking around the mall today and she looked really skinny. it made me remember back to about a year ago. i could remember how it was when i met all the girls at CCED for the first time. it was like shocking. and when i saw this girl today, i had a flashback to that same feeling: i am the biggest one in the room. again. again. again. girls are so pretty, and I don't think i am. i wanna change so badly. i need to fix myself. i hate this and i don't know what to do. I HAVE TO BE SKINNY AND BEAUTIFUL.

the story of last night

last night was crazy. my aunt needs to start rehab, my mom is upset because of the loss of her dad, her face hurts, I'm not doing well with Ed, and I'm unhappy. why is my life in shreds? when mom yelled at me last night, i was so pissed. why would she let me have it for something so small? i am so scared of being that little idiot from miller south and being consumed with my studies. when i was like that, people thought i was stupidly ridiculous and pathetic. all i want is to be proud of who i am and not worry about little things. she said, "you really don't give a flying fuck about your future, do you?" that hurt. i do care. i just refuse to let people in to know that i do. i don't want to seem easy or a doormat. i want to make everyone happy, but at the same time, i want to make sure that i do everything for myself because i feel like that will prove how strong enough i am to only care about MY life. not others. i can't handle having people telling me to change something about myself. if they told me that i wasn't doing something good enough, i get pissed and that makes me wanna do everything different. she thinks that if she gets her anger out at me, then we can go back to being friendly and i can forgive her. hell no it aint that easy! she doesn't get to scream at me and i let her get away with it. its probably her fault that I'm like this! i can't figure out what to do with my life and there is so much pressure from her to be this perfect child that i can't take it. i want to be beautiful and i want to be popular for good reasons. i just wish that i had some kind of hope or light at the end of this to prove that i can make it out on top. i hate how she yelled at me. no one gets to do that without being beaten. not literally, but verbally, she is ganna get it. i don't hate her. i could never hate my mom. i just am so mad at how she handled last night. un-fucking-believable. if you want something for my grades so badly, then YOU go to school for me and get the good grades. don't EVER think that i don't care, because i do. i just don't want anyone to see it. if i refuse to care, i won't get hurt. i truly believe in that. 

on top of that, i saw dr rome and she said that i have to eat everyday. not just every other day for lunch. fuck my life. and mom said that if i lose weight, (because it is now my responsibility to prove that i can feed myself twice a week or more at school) then i will have to eat with her outside. in the car. buh. 

i said to jennifer that my life is in shreds because i cannot find my out of this mess. its one problem on top of the other and i hate it. 

i think it's just my imagination

i haven't been online lately, but I'm back. i had an amazing birthday! i was so happy and everything was so exciting. best birthday. everyone was so kind to me and i got lots of hugs. i wish i could let myself realize that there are people out there who love me, even if they don't show it everyday.

now, a week later, i am not happy anymore. what happened? i want to be happy and i want to smile genuinely and just be pretty and everything. i miss being the girl that every loves and i wish i loved myself. i feel like i stink and my throat hurts today. is it just my imagination?

i kind of wish that i was small again. i wanna be skinny and i want people to be able to tell that i am sick. i want to be thin. but i know in my head that i need to be healthy. and i need to have more color in my face and i don't want my hair to fall out. so... i guess i wanna get better? probably.

much love